DURHOLME - the ley home of the Prince Bishop's Men

The Greedy Goblin

A Night in the Most Infamous Tavern in Durholme
To the tune of 'Hotel California'

On a dark stormy evening, in an old Durholme street,
Warm smell of the sewers rising up past my feet,
Up ahead in the distance, I saw the tavern was near,
My feet grew tired and my mouth grew dry, I had to stop for a beer.

There I strode through the doorway; the barman looked at me well,
And I was thinking to myself : "This could be heaven or this could be hell,"
So he pulled me a large beer, just to drink down the day,
There were figures round the dim tables, thought I heard them say;

"Welcome to the lowdown Greedy Goblin,
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place) to get off your face,
Plenty of plot at the lowdown Greedy Goblin,
Any time of night, you can find a fight."

Half the drinkers are twisted; they've got dodgy backgrounds,
And there's a lot of pretty, secret guilds, all doing the rounds,
How they drink in the barroom, foul stinking sweat,
Some drink to remember, some drink to forget,

So I said to the Guard Captain, "It's quiet in here tonight."
And he said; "We haven't had evil spirits here since some fool said that last night."
And still those voices are singing all round the way,
Wake you up when you've passed out on ale, just to hear them say:

"Welcome to the lowdown Greedy Goblin,
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place) to get off your face,
Interactives at the lowdown Greedy Goblin,
Drunken Celts to mosh, thieves nick all your dosh."

Undead attack at 9:15, we get repelled by Mass Fear,
And I was told; "We all just throw the bodies straight into the Wear."
And in the middle of the barroom, the 3ygb Plot-Monster gates in,
They stab it with their latex swords, but they just get "No Effect !!!"

Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to climb the privy wall to escape the monster's "Magic Four",
"Time Out !" said the Head Ref, "At 10 we have to close,
But you can go on drinking right now, up at the Blue Rose !"

Lyrics by Jules Fattorini, 17th October 1997, with thanks to Al MacLeod and apologies to the Eagles.