If you ever meet a Hopper
You're guaranteed to come a cropper;
They flourish well on battlefields
And anywhere where blood congeals.
Alas! Alack! This one-eyed plant
Is anything but elegant:
It has two arms of gnarled shoots
And one leg, made of roots.
If you've a penchant for wood-chopping
I'd scarper when the trees start hopping!
As you're walking by the way
Watch out for corrupted Fey,
For Pinemen lurk in Dunholme's woods
To do you in and steal your goods.
They don't care for acrobatics,
But at fighting they're fanatics.
Experts say they're part-coniferous:
One thing's certain: they're carnivorous:
Their one obsession is to slay
With the dreaded needle-spray.
A magic mushroom has been seen
In Dunholme's wilds, amid the green,
For Singers sing in syncopation
And thereby cause hallucination.
The victim lies down, softly dozing
Soon he will be decomposing,
Mould-encrusted, slimy, smelly,
With mushrooms sprouting from his belly.
May you die happy, travellers, when you
Find you're on the mushroom's menu!
O! Unfortunates who died
I'th' swamps of Elvet Riverside,
Where the glowing brutes do lurk
And do their grisly, ghastly work -
O! Woe to you who end your days
Down among the waterways!
In the shadows you'll be cringing
When the Wispies are harbinging
Doom for one and doom for all,
And no-one's there to hear you call!
Fangheads! Fangheads! Horrid creatures!
Demonic men with bestial features!
Spreading plagues and mortal fear,
You drag our maids to dungeons drear,
Our little ones do you entice
Ripe for human sacrifice!
In packs you roam across the land
And Anthrax follows with each band.
No man may rest or take his ease
Where you go with your disease.
Akin to Mandrakes, man-shaped plants,
Shamblers don't wear underpants.
They move about with ponderous gait -
Accordingly they're always late.
It matters little, though, you know,
For Shamblers have nowhere to go.
They often like to congregate
And when they get there, stand and wait.
They wait and wait, for meager gains,
For Shamblers, clearly, have no brains.
Is it ghoul or is it ape,
Or something worse in simian shape?
All Gulogs rancid flesh do crave,
Dank and rancourous from the grave -
Nonetheless, I would be wary
And not go to the cemetery,
For though rancid flesh is nice
The fresher version will suffice.
You won't need a posh sarcophagus
If you end up in Gulog's oesophagus!